In Pursuit of a Virtue

Sigh...
yes, patience.
Patience in waiting: for letters, for plants to grow, for traffic, for relationships and trust to be built, for learning, for sleep (my current aspiration), for definition, for all the unknowns during this crazy Journey to be clarified, for Home...
and the overarching one--Patience in learning patience.

In this world we've beget, where instant gratification is no more sought than in the past, but far more available, patience is only jokingly labeled a virtue and seldom individually, let alone, corporately, actually delved into and wrestled with.

I know I say I want to be patient, have patience, live patiently,
but sheesh, it's ever more difficult to live that out.

I want to give up, not always, but today feels that way.
I want to just go to the store and buy a pretty vegetable without much thought.
I want to just drop all responsibilities at home both with school and with people.
I want to fold in on my own world, lock myself away for a while, and spend time only reading.

Even though I know tomorrow, with a new sunrise of new mercies, I will feel better.
Even though I am fully aware of the slavery and chemicals that often taint ignorant consumption.
Even though I know my abrupt absence would hurt the people I love.
Even though I know that, while reading is a splendid recharge for me, people and their hearts, are what make my heart beat faster.

I know of this war that rages within me, within each of us.
The war between what I know is True and what I know seems most real.
The war between settling in and venturing out.
The war between waiting and throwing in the towel.

And constantly, just when it seems I am about to choose the latter,
I am reminded that I am not alone in this Battle.
I am surrounded by Brothers and Sisters and Friends and Followers that are right alongside me, choosing endurance for me when I think I am not strong enough.
I am comforted with a history of lessons learned, lives lived, and battles won by people I look up to.
I am led by a Creator who has and always does choose deep, rich, satisfying, eternal, precious ways of doing things...always forsaking the instantly gratifying, convenient path for the far more beautiful and mysterious way.

When I step back for that moment, to remember what is True,
patience always seems the most reasonable choice.
It wells up within me, fighting to break through with Its calmness, fulfillment, depth, faith, and perseverance.
It stirs me on to take a breath, slow my pace, and remember, seriously, what is most important and lasting.

It is lovely.

Maybe because it is so difficult to consistently and constantly choose.

So, sigh,
again, at least for this moment, I will choose the proverbial virtue.
I think you can too.
Be encouraged that we are doing so together...never alone.

To end, from my good friend (okay, I wish : ) Alexi Murdoch's song, "Blue Mind"

Got no time
Got no mind
For the line
In my life
No time to think
Time for sleep now
Time to sink way into the blue, dear

So watch your time
Time descends
Let it spill quietly
From your hands
Oh, and the time is at hand
When all things under the sky
Go free of time
Time is passing you by
Got no time
And I am drifting
Yes, I am drifting

Remember when you were only a child
Start to see with your blue mind
Start to see with your blue mind
Don't be afraid of what you find
No, don't be afraid of what you find

Cause I am drifting
Yes, I am drifting
Slowly, slowly I am drifting
Slowly, slowly I am drifting
Yes, slowly, slowly I am drifting